Burning out, burnt out

Beach near Bellingen

Originally uploaded by jonckher

The photo is one of SG at a beach near Bellingen.

Only 5 days has passed and my time there feels like it has never happened. Holidays are meant to rejuvenate but all this one has done is strip away the protective layers I’ve built. Opening up to the ocean and the bush, i’ve become even more vulnerable to the pressures at work and at home. I could have handled each seperately but with both together, I find myself frozen, paralysed by anxiety – especially at work.

The level of my exhaustion is such that I’m severely tempted to leave my work earlier than the date I’ve given them even though that would have a great impact on my budget. It seems only fair that I should do this rather than stay around for another five weeks torturing myself and doing no good for the organisation.

I dont know how I got myself here now. The rewards of a career, being money and recognition of ability feel very hollow to me. Money brings security and I am grateful that I have a house. Money also brings freedom and the forthcoming travel, if we ever get to it, has potential. But both those outcomes feel emotionally irrelevant to me. They do not feel worth it.

Renovations are going better even though i find it difficult to believe that we will get everything done in time. Fortunately, the painting is going well and will be completed. But the patio and the shed are looking worrying.

So much to do.

3 thoughts on “Burning out, burnt out

  1. its strange how modern life is – from within the modern workplace, over time you get sort of brainwashed into accepting certain things which are wholly unnatural; and suddenly your job is your life. and then you look at it in perspective; you’ve got skills and a career of some sort; at the cost of emotional and spiritual richness and you realise how estranged you are from what life is and being human.

    take a breath and chose and everything will be easier.

    for me, i’ve realised that given my education, i will probably never be poor, not matter what difficulties i may have finding a job. the choice now – is how to live a fulfilling human life and earn enough to be happy. you only need enough money to live, you don’t need to be rich.

  2. n.t, thanks for your thoughtful comment (as well as the others you have posted here. to choose freedom and contentment when that choice is risky requires courage. I am heartened to read of yours. 🙂

  3. It was that kind of trip. The beach and bush stripped my layers too, revealing an exhausted little grub that just wanted to crawl into a cocoon. I slept for 3 days after returning from bellingen. Took the first sick-days in years and just slept. It felt like a bottomless pit of exhaustion, kinda scary, but I knew i just had to go with it. now I feel like I’ve regenerate like Dr Who. Feel like I’ve been away for months. And I just bought 19 Lindt blocks of chocolate cause they are on special, thats how liberated I feel.

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