Originally uploaded by jonckher
The photo is one of SG at a beach near Bellingen.
Only 5 days has passed and my time there feels like it has never happened. Holidays are meant to rejuvenate but all this one has done is strip away the protective layers I’ve built. Opening up to the ocean and the bush, i’ve become even more vulnerable to the pressures at work and at home. I could have handled each seperately but with both together, I find myself frozen, paralysed by anxiety – especially at work.
The level of my exhaustion is such that I’m severely tempted to leave my work earlier than the date I’ve given them even though that would have a great impact on my budget. It seems only fair that I should do this rather than stay around for another five weeks torturing myself and doing no good for the organisation.
I dont know how I got myself here now. The rewards of a career, being money and recognition of ability feel very hollow to me. Money brings security and I am grateful that I have a house. Money also brings freedom and the forthcoming travel, if we ever get to it, has potential. But both those outcomes feel emotionally irrelevant to me. They do not feel worth it.
Renovations are going better even though i find it difficult to believe that we will get everything done in time. Fortunately, the painting is going well and will be completed. But the patio and the shed are looking worrying.
So much to do.