small beginnings

helped by the mid-NSW ocean, my latest bout of grief seems to have subsided. I had not expected it to be so consuming, to be so assaulted by memories and to feel my life so empty. But in retrospect, it was not so suprising. The two or so days I spent with my ex and her partner in their bush home was the first real amount of time we’d had together since the breakup. we got along well. I was relaxed and happy and it seemed to me that she was too.

being with her away from the party scene, helping her cook, feed the chickens, water the plants and also going on a walk and swim at water holes reminded me on many levels of better days. there were times when i felt a warmth from her that i had either not seen or not allowed myself to see in the last two years. a kernel of anger and mistrust that i didnt know i still had in me melted away. Unfortunately that kernel had also functioned as a plug for a vast lake of sorrow.

writing now, after it has subsided, i find myself if not happier, at least more hopeful. More than ever, what happened between us both good and bad remains in the past. But i can now allow myself to care for her in a new way, take comfort that she cares for me too and that this does not need to be as fraught as it has been for so long.

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