the last few weeks has been stressful but the major deadline has now come and gone, nothing has exploded and i’m beginning to feel my body relax. one of the first things i’ve noticed is that i need a break, a permenant break, and that the next two months is going to be a very long period indeed. it doesnt help that the company itself is going through a period of rapid change and uncertainty.
anyway, i wasnt going to write about that in this entry, my first thoughtful introspective one in awhile, i was going to write about how it is coming up to spring and cycling back the last couple of nights, i’ve noticed the new warmth and the fragance of blossoms in the air. it’s still cold but not bitingly cold anymore. What with this and the job, i’ve noted a calmness re-emerging in my center, a welcome stillness that has not be there for a long time and that this has allowed me to peek into myself a bit more and also look out and take an interest in the world again – the two for me being quite linked as observation leads to thought and vice versa.
for some reason, i was thinking about my father on the way home tonight after the gym. I was wondering what his life was like when he was my age, 37. He would have been a parent with two young children and a wife. Would he have been feeling happy? Was he contented at least or was he restless instead? I dont know. My father feels like such a different person from myself. To me, he comes from a time and culture where men have a very different emotional landscape, a stifled inner language and a different way of communicating and connecting.
I was also thinking about what i’m looking for in leaving Australia and what it is, if anything, that is driving me to travel. Life seems empty here, the day to day routine of work and home feels like a meaningless process designed to feed the body and the mortgage with occasional breaks for parties, friends and outdoors. I am not sure that travel will solve any of this, will give any meaning but at the least it will be a break from this numbing routine, something different.
I am not sure this is a good reason to go. But I do know that I have no reason to stay.