I met my ex in Darwin some 7 and a half years ago. Since then, for work reasons I’ve travelled back and forth but my last trip was just over 2 years ago when she and I were still together. Much to my reluctance, I flew in yesterday for another work related project. I’m going to be up here for the next week or so.
The lead up to coming up to Darwin has not been easy. This town carries so much significance to me that memories and its associated emotions I’d thought long forgotten resurfaced a week before I left. For the first time in months since the breakup, i started crying in my dreams again, waking up each time dry eyed and distant from myself and from SG.
In the last two years, through the anger and turmoil of the breakup, I’d forgotten the early days of my old relationship. But now, sitting in the sun feeling the best of the dry season on my skin and breathing in the warm air, walking down Mitchell street and looking over the Darwin harbour, I’m remembering how much my old relationship had actually mattered to me, how central to my life my ex had been in those first early months in Darwin and how we had evolved and changed so much in those years.
I’m remembering how much I’ve lost.
Previously to this, I’d felt that only a part of me was grieving while the rest of me watched on but now, perhaps because I have become strong enough to cope with it, much more of myself is involved, enough that in the last two days, I’ve begun to grieve during the day.
I had thought i was through the grieving process but it seems to me now that while I still have some way to go, I’m actually getting somewhere.