My “about me” page no longer has the “single and looking” closing sentence in it.
Over the christmas / new year period under the aegis of confest, what was meant to be a casual dating scenario with someone unsuitable turned into something else entirely.
I did have a major panic over the level of unsuitability. She falls within the “just left a relationship and leaving the country soon” criteria. This resulted in me attempting to end things with her at new year’s eve. I also wrote my “making choices” post at that point (which I posted later when I got back into town). But the momentum proved impossible to deflect. My first resolution probably lasted all of eight hours.
It is all early days yet, perhaps two weeks in, and the terrain is made even more uncertain due to her travel plans that I am hesitant to write much about this. However, in the last year, I’ve dated enough that I know that this is different. In fact, even taking into account the first mad phase of such things, this feels a magnitude of order different from the beginnings of my other relationships. Enough so that I’m blogging about it seriously while it is happening, something I’ve not felt worth doing about any of the other people I’ve been with in the last year.
I have not felt this level of certainty about anyone before.
I’m usually beset by doubts and misgivings but this time my internal hypercritical voice is silent. Failing to find cause in the other, that voice now periodically turns on myself and wonders how this could be happening. Part of this could be that I’ve known her for close to a year before we started down this path but in fact, it seems that I havent really known much about her and that only the peripheral facts until the last month or so. Part of this could be the intense period we spent at confest was incredible and have since continued (with the corresponding threat of a crash sooner or later). Part of it could be that somehow, in spite of all my whinges to the contrary, I’ve somehow become ready to meet someone. Part of it could simply be that I’ve met someone with whom I’m actually compatible – it certainly seems that on intellectual, communication and temperamental levels, we are very similar – enough that our intuitive models of each other are astonishingly accurate, sometimes dismayingly so.
None of these reasons seem credible to me – not on the rational level. But the thing is, it doesnt matter. Whatever the reasons for it and the risks, this is happening and I want it to continue. And for the first time in a very long time, I know that if I do not push myself to explore this to its full potential I will regret it.
Reading back on my “making choices” post now, things seemed to have moved really fast. The level of my grief for my old relationship has receded, my ability to trust returned and my resilience seems to have sprung back. Having made the decision to bear whatever consequences that may come, I seem to have found my strength again.