one year on

Today, it will be one year of me being single. in many ways, i feel that this is an exaggeration. My ex and myself lived together for some months after we split up. Also, in the last year, I’ve been dating a bit with a couple or maybe more people that felt reasonably serious, which seemed to have potential.

I cant count them though. There is a level of commitment, of surrender almost that I feel when I am in a serious relationship. It’s a sort of feeling where you know that you no longer have a choice. There’s a bond there now which you cant let go off no matter how much damage the other person is doing to you or could potentially do to you. (although of course, there is a limit as I discovered)

I never felt that in the last year.

In many ways, I don’t actually want to feel that again. Not for awhile anyway. I am too vulnerable in those circumstances. And I find it difficult to trust people. There is a part of me that looks at the women I date with an overly critical eye, That part sees risk and danger in the smallest of traits and extrapolates unlikely scenarios of misery.

I used to be a lot more optimistic about potential partners. I used to think that so long as we loved each other, we would be able to cope, be able to overcome barriers together, be able to recover from broken trust, be able to keep growing together.

I’ve swung to the other side now. I cant imagine how it can happen, how relationships cannot help but fail. When I say these things to my friends, they say that I’m obviously not ready. That in time the optimism will return.

I hope that they are right.

But there is a silver lining to all this. Having basically given up on finding a suitable partner, I no longer feel so lonely. And dating has its own chemical fun.

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