nearly one year on

in two days time, it will be one year since i ended my last relationship via email. We used to email each other a lot during the work day. So it seemed appropriate to me at that time that i should also end it that way. Now I wouldnt do it that way but i wasnt thinking too clearly then.

The thing about running your relationship through email is that you have a record of it. Tonight, I looked through the correspondence for the first time since it happened and it broke my heart all over again. That is if it’s possible to break something that’s never really healed.

The other night at earthcore, i was talking about my relationship with a potential new lover and she asked me if I was still broken. I said (perhaps a trifle melodramatically) that a year ago, something precious made out of glass shattered inside me and that thousands of shards were still slowly and agonisingly working themselves out through my body. She took that as a yes.I took that as not the best way of potraying myself as baggage free partner material.

Our relationship feel 25 days short of 6 years. Apparently, the accepted rule of thumb is that you mourn a half year for every year you were together. So that means I still have another two years of near crippling attacks of grief that can be triggered off by just about any random thing.

Reading through our emails, I was struck by two things, first by my complete inability to analyse what actually happened between us because it is still so close emotionally and second by how everything that was written there seemed to have been written by two people who have since died.

I no longer really know who that person is who wrote all those words and yet i feel his pain. I do not know who that person is who responded to him and yet I mourn her.I am haunted by the person that I was when I was with my ex. That part of me still cannot believe that this has happened to us and does not rest easy.

One thought on “nearly one year on

  1. i find that i am haunted by memories: an echo of tender and warm moments that can never be replicated again. i am certain i don’t want to go back (and we cannot go back again as we are different people now), nor do i regret things. but these shadows still linger leaving me uncertain of where i am going and keep me from stepping forwards with certainty. like you, i often feel like i only have a faint sense of myself as the past keeps unravelling away from me and as i keep living.

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