consciousness and self-consciousness

it’s become more and more common in the last year for complete strangers to come up to me at parties (and even on the street sometimes) and say they’ve seen me on the dancefloor or they’ve seen me firetwirl and that they’ve liked what they’ve seen. when i say more and more common, i mean that it’s probably only a couple of times each festival and maybe once or twice every six months or so on the street.

but coming from a low base of never being noticed, it’s quite a lot for me and i do like it, i get a lift from it and i try to genuinely thank these people for approaching me and being so nice. I also try to do the same for others, for people i’ve noticed at different parties. I figure it’s something to share around.

so that’s all good for my confidence and self-esteem.

except, it isnt all good as sometimes on the dancefloor or when i’m twirling these days, I’ve noticed myself becoming more self-conscious through both from feeling that I do get looked at and also from the feeling (if a rather nicer one) that some people like looking at me.

The real reason why i dance or twirl, the reason that pulled me into all of this in the first place is not because i want to look good but because in the freedom of movement i can hit a zone of unself-awareness and through that compleately luxuriate in the moment where most of my thoughts are stilled and there’s only the music and dance which is so interwoven as to become, from my perspective, one and the same.

Being conscious of being noticeable gets in the way of me reaching this zone. And there were times at this earthcore when that got so difficult that a part of me now cant help but mourn a little the loss of that earlier innocence that comes from anonymity. (even if I do like the attention too)

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