getting older

I had my birthday not long ago and as usual assembled friends old and new, those that were in town anyway, at the northcote social club for its tuesday pot and parma night. by chance or at least i’d like to think so anyway, those who could make it were either hippie women or gay men; a fact not lost to my friends who found it amusing. for the record, I do have straight male friends – they just happened to be overseas or late.

anyway, every year I am quite touched that people actually turn up. This year it was especially true. The breakup had shaken my confidence in myself in many things and that included the strength of my other relationships. The question as to how much our shared friends were actually my ex’s friends and not so much mine had been present in my mind. How much would they actually like me now that I’m not with her? I would like to say that the question is resolved now, but it isnt and while I realise that is neither rational or fair, elements of doubt and uncertainty are still there. and are likely to linger for a long time.

Still, the gathering I had at the NSC did help and I even made a short speech. the feeling had come to me at the start of the evening before I’d had many drinks that i wanted to say something. so a little later when most people had arrived and were waiting for their parmas, i stood up and not really knowing what i was going to say, said something along the lines of how people dont often get a chance to say how important their friends are to them and that seeing as it was my birthday and most everyone was there, i wanted to thank them for being in my life and especially for being there for me through a very difficult year, probably one of the more difficult years i’ve had to go through and that their presence and support had indeed made it easier for me.

I’d never done anything like that before, been quite so public about how i felt in person (my blog is different obviously) and i felt happy and lightened afterwards. I felt like i’d told a very simple truth and one which should be shared more often. That my friends are important to me, that without them I would probably be a lesser person, certainly an unhappier one.

Anyway, I drank way too much beer after all of that. But I had a good time and it was in its own way, one of my more memorable birthdays.

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