creeping equanimity

when i was in the thick of meditation, i found that i was capable of levels of equanimity which i’d not thought possible. as with these things, my practice faded after a couple of months of enthusiasm and my equanimity dwindled as well.

since then, i’d been thinking of meditating again and had made attempts to do so, each time driven from my seat after a few minutes by the turbulence of my mind. Increased sensitivity to my thoughts coupled with a lack of discipline and strength got the better of me.

So i gave up and thought that maybe in time when things have settled, i’ll come back to it. I felt on one hand that this would never happen and on another, I hoped that it would naturally occur after my ex left our home.

In the last week, a couple of my friends who I’d not seen for a long time, not since the midst of my breakup, commented that I was a lot happier and lighter than when they’d seen me last.

I thought about it a little and found myself agreeing. Taking stock over the times I’ve felt desperately alone in the last month compared to the months before that, recalling the times I’ve felt actively and consciously happy, I realised that I’ve started to gain my feet in this new state of being single and spending more time in my own company and in the company of my friends. This is not to say that there hasnt been bad times. There have but I’ve been able to maintain some perspective, been able to say to myself that this will change and will pass, been somehow able to summon up a level of equanimity that I hadnt really had since I stopped meditating.

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