without going into details, it’s become apparent that the whole idea of post-breakup living together was deeply flawed. to most people this is obvious but in this as in many other areas, i’d had higher expectations, maybe unrealistic ones, of both my and my expartner’s emotional capabilities and the strength of the bond that the relationship was built on.

even though i’m postponing my decision as to what to do with the house after vipassana, i can feel myself settling on the idea of living there by myself for a time. The thought of someone else moving in, as I’ve mentioned in an earlier post, is not attractive to me. And the place is not rentable in its current condition. my new role in my company makes it easier for me to stay on and keep my income. This will be enough to pay the mortgage by myself.

in many ways, i’m looking forward to a time of solitude, of exploring and forming a new relationship with the space. but it will not be easy. there are too many memories there, too many ghosts.

my shrink yesterday asked me how i was feeling. i replied that i did not know. she then asked when was the last time i cried. i replied that i could not remember, maybe a couple of months ago in my dreams from which i woke dry eyed.

if there is a well of grief in me that is waiting to be tapped, then it will only come when there is space for it. in the meantime, there’s a dreadful peace.

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