i dont have a lot of photos of me and i dont have a full length mirror at home or even a mirror that i look in very much. so those photos were a little challenging (even the nicer ones posted by ) in that they did two things. They reminded my of my mortality and in a couple of them, I looked like my father.
Growing old is something that I’ve never paid too much attention to until recently. In my earlier image-free days of dagging around in sneakers and jeans (before they became trendy), it was pretty much my belief that the more importance you place on your looks now, the sadder you’ll be when they go. Far better to grow in ways that will remain after the first flush of youth has passed.
I still believe that but it hasnt insulated me completely from the shock of seeing hair thin, grooves appear and the shape of my face change. Plus some of the insulation has also worn thin as in the last five years, I’ve started to feel a lot more confident about my physical attractiveness – something that pretty much evaded me in my teens and twenties. It seems that just as I’ve got reasonably happy about the way I look, it’s all starting to go. Mind, if I didnt care about looking good, I wouldnt care about it going either so I suppose the two go hand in hand and is inevitable.
Plus, there’s the whole thing about being single again now and its attendent insecurities.
But it’s me beginning to resemble my dad and the paternal side of my family that is more difficult to handle. From my reflection in the mirror, it’s easy to start down the road of analysing my own life, decisions and actions and finding too many similarities to that of my father and the rest of my extended family. The process never ends pleasantly because the only things I’m reminded of are things I regret as the majority of my memories of my family are so negative.
So it seems that if I am to be able to continue looking at myself, I’ll have to shift my filters from the negative to the positive. Or if not the positive, to at least a more balanced and less jaundiced view of them.
Or alternatively, forgive myself for some of the things I’ve done and move on, as free from the past as I’m able to be.