motivation


i actually did some work today. more than i’ve done in the last week and a half. this is all the more impressive as i’m slightly hungover and i didnt get much sleep last night. so my sleep debt situation isnt really getting all that much better.

however, i am working and happy(ish). I’ve been reading the business case and writing up a sob story for funding that sounds almost convincing. it’s not the best prose i’ve written (even in my very poor commercial sector style) but it’ll do – it gets the message across.

part of the reason could be because i had a good session with my therapist yesterday, the first session since before christmas and a interim session before she comes back in February. i worked through some of my relationship dependency issues, basically going over ground that i’ve covered in the break. while this brought up a couple of new thoughts and emotions along with some new found strength, the part of the session i found most satisfying was actually telling my therapist what i thought and felt of my relationship to her.

i’ve felt that we’ve had a slightly adverserial relationship that sits very much on the head level. While i respect her abilty, challenges and insights, i feel little or no emotional connection to her. the intellectual connection is there in that i have now found some respect for her skills.

she responded that perhaps it is because i do not trust her. And this is true. I dont trust her because I dont have any ability to tell how she is feeling and this further distances me. The only feelings I occasionally get from her is that of controlled judgement. Projection perhaps on my part but unlikely.

I am going back for February but I have already decided on some level that her methods (the couch) and her personality (quiet, watchful and wary) is not something that will facilitate any more emotional trust on my part than it has already.

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