Poly


A poly love prose poem

i’ll be with you even though i can see you’re not going to be right for me forever but i want the security of being in a relationship and so long as I’m able to keep looking for someone else, someone better and more suited, i wont leave you because there’s quite a bit we can share.

And besides, i hate being alone and cant really stand it.

When i do meet that someone else, that someone who is better and more exciting, I’ll try to keep you on too because that’s part of our agreement and besides by then, i’ll care enough for you to not to want to hurt you even if it’ll be quite apparent to you that i’m actually getting a lot out of my new relationship, more than i’ve ever got from my relationship with you.

your comfort of course is that you know that my standards of who is right is really quite high maybe impossible so it’s not like i’m ever going to find the right person who is ever going to meet all of my needs and seeing as I’ve developed a co-dependent relationship with you, I’ll never ever really be able to leave you so long as you’re able to put up with the pain of always feeling that you’re not quite good enough.

Besides, I have quite a lot of desire for sexual variety but cant quite come to terms with it without the safety of love, so my likelihood of finding the right person is shrouded by lust which when dissipates leaves me wondering who actually is this person I’ve spent time with and what the hell was it I saw in them in the first place.

At which time, I come running back to you because second best is always better than all the rest.

Which is not to be confused by my hunger for love and affirmation which is only really eased by the love of someone new because the depths of my self-hatred are such that when someone loves me, they become no longer worthy of any real respect as they have exhibited such poor judgement as to love someone as inherently unlovable as myself. And so that love, if that is the word for it, loses its lustre and I go seeking someone shiny and new.

In between time, I come running back to you because second best is better than most of the rest. And besides, I hate being alone and cant really stand it.

In the event that I meet someone who retains their shininess enough that I develop a level of codependency that rivals ours, I will tell everyone that I have two partners while retaining an inner sadness and discontentment, keeping an eye out all the time for shiny new people and wondering in my heart of hearts what the fuck I’ve gotten myself into and how the hell did my life get so complicated. In the meantime, you get to cope with my other partner.

Of course, as evidence of my love, I will always be jealous when you see other people because it’s ok for you to be second best to me but I have to always be first to you.

And all the time, I chant to myself, to you and to anyone else who will listen, noone is ever going to fulfil 100% of my needs, love cannot be denied, is limitless and all this emotional turmoil can be overcome through personal growth.

Without ever asking really what my needs are, what love is to me, and why my needs seem to only ever be fulfilled through love and not through the bonds of friendship, and why i hate being alone and cant really stand it, and who the hell it is that I’m constantly looking for.

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